Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

“Is that a banana in your pocket?”

-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table