ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
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Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
classic mixup
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
my nickname in college
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.