ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

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It’s been the “longest week ever” for Janet on facebook, a woman that I know for a fact works 40 hours has been on facebook for 37 of them


*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”


Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol


If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.


ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.


People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..


hate when people ask if ur on drugs/drunk when ur just having fun like no some of us have the natural personality of a crackhead sorry


[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better


Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*