@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

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@SocialExtortion

It’s been the “longest week ever” for Janet on facebook, a woman that I know for a fact works 40 hours has been on facebook for 37 of them

@KeetPotato

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

@ziamalso

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

@leshnevsky

If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.

@truegritrumble

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

@girlontapas

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

@_ParkerH

hate when people ask if ur on drugs/drunk when ur just having fun like no some of us have the natural personality of a crackhead sorry

@iwearaonesie

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

@stephenjmolloy

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*