ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
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*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I don’t think my car can fly
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
presenting your incognito window wrapped
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.