Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

The big book of baby names but for safe words

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

how DARE

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.