Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

Not with that attitude

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food