perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
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*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
A PORK CHOP
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.
*five minutes later
I gotta pee.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday.
In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.
*hasn’t had sex in months*
me, every month: omg am I pregnant
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
He’s going to change just for you?
Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid