me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
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Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Monday
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”