@FredTaming

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

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@bigsharkguy

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

@OBiiieeee

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

@katvonwitt

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

@thegreatnanak

*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.

*five minutes later
I gotta pee.

@SvnSxty

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

@moose_chocolate

Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday.

In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.

@jojipaints

*hasn’t had sex in months*

me, every month: omg am I pregnant

@tequilasaltlife

He’s going to change just for you?

Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid