me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Terribly Tuesday.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
