me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
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Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
a god among men
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.