Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

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The Chosen Phew

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

#JohnTravolta

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

🤣🤣

I have never related to anyone more.

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado