ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.