ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
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Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?