Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

It be like that sometimes 😆

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee