Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.