Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes