Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

welp

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.