Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
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My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
*watches the world burn*
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
“I took care of your clown problem.”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done