Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

her: can you pick up the house

me: *putting on back brace* I can try

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?