Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?