Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

Oops I deleted….

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭