me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
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Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Tier 3 meme
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine