Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.