me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
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“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all