me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
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Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
me when i see my girls butt
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.