Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

i made a craigslist ad !

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down

STOMACH: no

ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?