Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
You Might Also Like
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I feel seen
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
WHY?!
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.