Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

😂🤣😂🤣

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

I am thick and tired. 🙄

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume