Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”