Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
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My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
In space, no one can hear…
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
the pigeons are already plenty salty
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now