Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
You Might Also Like
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
they really wanted me dead for this
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know