Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
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keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.