Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

Meeeee too!

January has been Januweary

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.