Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
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Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[loses house key, starts a new life]
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.