Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.

Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?

Bill collector: Um.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?