Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.