Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
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I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Showerkraut
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”