Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.