Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

we’re gonna need another temp

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.