Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*