Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me