Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.