Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

Put the is in disheveled

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

Beware of fowl play.

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!