Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.