Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

synchronized noseblowing

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

Had a spot of bother earlier.