Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

Them: Just act casual
Me:

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…