ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Beware of fowl play.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Pass gas, not judgment.