Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY