Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.