Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

The booster protects against what, now?

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy

Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

tis the season

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.