Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
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Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.