Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

titanic

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?