Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”