ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…![]()
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Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
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