Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

[on my way back to the posting caves]

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.