Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

welcome back

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.