Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
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I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
*aggressively waits in line*
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Hard not to take this personally
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?