Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

being a writer on Twitter:

Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35

him: on what?

me: more books

him: if you’re going to read them

me: …that’s not the point

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

podcasts

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione