Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
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My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
The days of good grammer has went
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
😭😭
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood