Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
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Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk