Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
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They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Sponch
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.