Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
You Might Also Like
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”