Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

what it’s like dating me:

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november