Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
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I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Milk Cube
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
can’t bark with your mouth full
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi