Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
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All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.