Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
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(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
they really wanted me dead for this
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil