Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

wish me luck lads

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?