Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
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Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
felt that
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Body by Oreos
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”